Will it get worse?

 

What a horrible week for Europe and specially Ukraine. My heart bleeds for the Ukranian people. I sincerely hope that this will end well. 

I also got Covid, so I spent the week in the couch in front of the TV, watching news and reading social media.

I feel tired.

But tomorrow I will visit a new friend and hopefully visit the gym.

I'm hoping for a good night and a return of better days.

In meantime, a crappy photo of the northern light that graced us several times this winter.

 Habitants of Blogerland has moved to instagram and some to tiktok and snapchat. I have also moved partly and post short snippets of my life at instagram. I run two accounts. One in english, where I post more personal photos and tell things I do. The other account is about private economy and how to run a family and a house with one income, that is written in Swedish. I will put the links in the sidebar. 

2021 was a year in a limbo sort of way. The distance to everyone took out its poll on us. It was a few years ago since I felt this tired. I would love to prolonge the summer and never go back to work...yeah, sounds not like me at all as I love my job and my students. We are all tired. 

I got my third jab  a week ago and now I frankly give a damn about distance. I wash my hands and I use alcogel. But a mask is completely useless if you spend time in a small room toghether with 30 students. If I haven't been sick, I will become sick sooner or later...Whatever. I will throw a hell of a party later. 

My love for my dear S grows deeper and deeper. He is such an amazing man. I do beleive my mother (who can be suspicious) has taken him to her heart as well. She even slipped out an "Aw, he's so sweet, following us around" when he drove us to different flea markets and they had friendly conversations in the front seat. He really treat people with equal respect and is very caring about people around him. Never fake-friendly and never to receive benefits for his own. 

During the coldest days of November and December me and my boys changed roof on the house. I'm so impressed of my oldest. He worked so fast yet thoroughly. I have a shiny roof now with no risk of leakage. I will continue this work this year by repainting the house and rebuild the balcony. The balcony looks so stupid, like a wooden box. 

Toodle , from me in a bright red wig. I wish my hair could look like this

Resume over 2020

 I guess a lot of people feel that 2020 was a shitty year. Well it wasn't for me. It was a strange year but a good one. 

In the end of 2019 I met a man and fell deeply in love. He's an amazing person and we have same values and the same thinking. During this lockdown we have spent a lot of time outdoors in nature and exploring our own surroundings. I haven't seen this much of my county as this year. We also found lots of nice places for picnics and campfires. He brought along to lovely kids.

I let the photo speak for themselves. You can clearly see that I feel great and feel loved. He's so kind, thoughtful, intelligent, funny and good looking <3

When someone sees you as you are, it's healing. Love can only grow in an environment were acceptance, respect and unconditionally love is given and received.

And I'm finally comfortable of taking selfies and being on photos and not feeling awkward or ugly.

Resume 2019

This is a very late update from me. Blogland is shrinking and both me and others are not busy here anymore.  Times goes faster and the fact that there is no working app for blogger really sucks!!! The alternative is Instagram, but I have never been personal at that place and will not post anything but snippets and photos there.

So what the heck has happened since my last depressed post? Well first lets explain how I work. I break down, weep, complain, get my shit together and rise like Phoenix rebirthed.

I'm lucky to be able to live in my own house and only have a tiny walk to nearest place for a cooling dip.

I'm lucky to have friends that lend you their mountain lodge for a fancy weekend in the Swedish mountains.

I've been gardening and picking berries in the forest.

I've been visiting friends. Been on concerts, parties, walks, dinners etc with friends.

I've been renovating my house and the photo below shows my sons new bedroom

I've been taking the bicycle everywhere I go, to get fit and to reduce the carbondioxide print.

And I've been running regularly.

I had a Halloween party with many friends

and I have visited exhibitions and other cultural events.

The conclusion is that friends have been very important this year. They helped me heal and to appreciate myself. They helped me see what I was responible of and what only was reactions of another persons bad behaviour. 

I'm not a bad person, like someone tried to convince me. On the contrary, I'm the opposite of a bad person. I'm a fun, kind, loving person and a loyal friend. 

^¨^

~

Life is no bed of roses

it is made with broken glass

My heart is completely broken, but it surprise me anyway by racing amok every night.
I've been so blind trying to hold everything together that I didn't see what I now beginning to understand. With solitude and distance, I begin to understand why my confidence is on the bottom of a well, why I feel completely useless, never good enough and why I felt socially awkward and unwelcome. I feel like a total looser.

The future is like a black hole, it sucks all the light and energy, and I don't know whats around the bend. It is hard to make plans, because I'm worried if I will manage the economy and the house on my own. I have no idea what life will look like in a couple of years. 

One thing is for sure. I will never ever give away my heart so completely again. Well it is lost anyway and broken.

I do hope I will find my mojo soon. By that, I mean my creativity and imagination. The science departement at our university is renovating and was going to throw these old boxes that contained microscopic samples. I asked nicely and could take them home. 

I also found the microscopic slides in the waste bin. I didn't ask and I took lots of them as well. Some of them are 100 years old and marked with tiny labels and capillacious handwriting. How about a liver sample from cat?

One of the professors was obviously very fond of smoking because the biology samples were collected in match boxes and cigar boxes.

So in waiting of mojo and time, I hope to create something mixed media/steampunk with this if the future will allow me.

Self sustainable

I am no one's

and no one is mine

I owe no one

and no one owes me

First, thank you for your kind words. I will emphasize that we are still good friends. I got all the clears from the bank and are waiting for all the papers to arrive.

Johan got an apartment to rent on this side of town, amazingly quick and thanks to aquaintances. He will be gone in a month.

I'm worried about the economy and if I will be able to manage all the loans and bills that comes with a house. There are so many things to consider, tv, internet, insurances etc. If my health would fail me it would be devastating. So in order to keep myself floating I really have to turn every stone/penny before I buy new stuff and save as much as I can for harder times...There's a roof to change in the future as well.

The plans to save money would look ridicilous in the eyes of many, but all the tiniest pebbles will build a mountain in the long run. I do this also for my son, he's a teenager and won't be too bothered by my scrimping.

I cannot say enough how pleased I am with my bokashi compost. It is amazing. This method will give me free planting soil. On sunday I filled a wheelbarrow with dark nutricious soil. It took only 6 week to compost. You don't need worms and you don't get any problems with flies, rodents or foul smell, perfect!

I topped a leaf and bokashi compost with the soil and sowed spinach.  

Topped the seeds with a thin layer of more soil and the watered with loads of snow.

The lid will give a warmer climate. Does it looks weird? Well the seeds will grow when they think it's time and they will sprout earlier. 

I wen't completely bananas with the chili seeds. I have chilis in every window now. Maybe I will cook my own chilisauce for next winter. 

So, you can see I'm planning to make it work, by continue to grow my own vegetables and expand my vegetable garden even more. I'm only worried about my health though, I have Mr Depression tapping on my shoulder and have to keep him at bay, I have to, I must do this.

I have never felt that I can rely on another human, so this will actually be no difference, only a bit more lonely.

It´s gonna be a bumpy ride!

There will be no part 2 as supposed. I'm devastated! Johan doesn't want to live with me anymore. He didn't say it. I just realized that he don't want me around and confronted him about it. He said nothing but he didn't denied it either.
Maybe it's best for us both but right now, I'm very hurt and heart broken. I don't want to split. I wanted us to be a family, we and the kids.
I can't say much more without being to private

I'm not an easy person to live with but neither is he. I'm hyper active and hurtfully honest. I can't keep my mouth shut if there is something I think is wrong. I can be too much of everything.

Sorry...but I'm exhausted, haven't slept much.

But I got some good news from the bank today. I can take over the loans and continue to live in the house. It will be just me and my youngest. Money will be scarce but I think I can manage it. I can grow my veggies and finish my chicken coop. My oldest son is a carpenter so he can help me with the heaviest things.

The most important thing is that we separate as good friends