Resume 2019

This is a very late update from me. Blogland is shrinking and both me and others are not busy here anymore.  Times goes faster and the fact that there is no working app for blogger really sucks!!! The alternative is Instagram, but I have never been personal at that place and will not post anything but snippets and photos there.

So what the heck has happened since my last depressed post? Well first lets explain how I work. I break down, weep, complain, get my shit together and rise like Phoenix rebirthed.

I'm lucky to be able to live in my own house and only have a tiny walk to nearest place for a cooling dip.

I'm lucky to have friends that lend you their mountain lodge for a fancy weekend in the Swedish mountains.

I've been gardening and picking berries in the forest.

I've been visiting friends. Been on concerts, parties, walks, dinners etc with friends.

I've been renovating my house and the photo below shows my sons new bedroom

I've been taking the bicycle everywhere I go, to get fit and to reduce the carbondioxide print.

And I've been running regularly.

I had a Halloween party with many friends

and I have visited exhibitions and other cultural events.

The conclusion is that friends have been very important this year. They helped me heal and to appreciate myself. They helped me see what I was responible of and what only was reactions of another persons bad behaviour. 

I'm not a bad person, like someone tried to convince me. On the contrary, I'm the opposite of a bad person. I'm a fun, kind, loving person and a loyal friend. 

^¨^

I'm not here to please. Part 1

This is a both private and personal post, so if you don't want to read this kind of text, you are warned.

Almost my whole adulthood, I've been searching for my true self. I have also been battling with myself and always had the goal to improve and be a better person. My vision is, always be kind, honest, polite and show affection to the ones you love and care for.
Before I started this quest, to be a better person, I didn't care about who I was or how people might see me. I stepped on many toes, sprinkling snarky comments, too honest when it was unnecessary. I believe the change started when I got my first child. To become a parent was a spiritual experience and I thought a lot about the meaning of life.

Let's jump forward a bit. After my divorce and moving together with my current spouse, I got a severe depression. I really wanted to kill myself and had a plan how to end it. I believe that the reason was how people around me constantly told me how wrong I was. Exhusband, boyfriend, boss, coworkers, almost everyone around me had opinions about how I lived, what a lousy mother I was, my economical priorities, what I did or not did at work, anything and everything. Moving two different families together also caused a lot of cultural divergencies. My kids was unruly and spoilt, while I had raised them as free thinkers. It ended with a meltdown and a wish to end it all, because I wasn't worthy and hated myself so much.

I know it sounds horrible to be a loving parent and yet want to leave them forever. My self loathing was so deep that it said to me that they would do much better without me. Yet the thought of leaving them behind was at the same time not really an alternative.
I'm usually very strong minded and have lots of integrity, but anyone can get depressed surrounded by asshats. Fortunately my boyfriend forced me to seek help.

My rescuing angel was my therapist. She really was the person on the right position. She gave me tools on how to recognize angst, and how to deal with it right away. Medication also helped, it muffled the sound of the world screaming at me, or was I screaming on the inside? Whatever.

I still have moments of selfharming when I'm in situations I can't control and emotions run over me, but these moments are rare.

If you are depressed seek help, or call out for help to someone you trust. If you know someone who is depressed, please tell that person that he/she is important and useful and do not say anything that is negative towards this person or behave agressive around this person, no matter what he/she says.

The time it takes for a person to overcome a depression is long and uncertain. I still have problems with emotional stress, the caching memory is not very good and sometimes speak the words in wrong order or say the complete opposite of what I was ment to say. Imagine that in a classroom. LOL.
I have caught myself during these last 6 years of recovery, thinking that "Ah, now I'm free from depression, at last" and a year after...thinking the same again. Recovery is an extremely slow process, like ant steps. It is important to move forward though and not get stuck in bitterness or bad relations. A new career is also a good decision, eventhough it takes energy from healing.

Take care of yourselves, werever and whenever you are <3 p="">

Bat fit - Loosing weight finally

Since I met Johan, I have gained weight slowly but steady. I adopted his lifestyle and it wasn't good for my health at all. Last year I weighed heavy 95 kg for my modest height. That is dangerously unhealty for a woman in my age with heart failure as a heredity.
Recovering from psychological health issues and working full time, plus studying half time prevented me from doing something about it.
What actually made me determined and get the motivation, was a stair with 400 steps I had to climb when visiting a mine last winter.

My heart raced and I felt the taste of blood in my mouth. I had to stop several times to take my breath and couples far more older than me, passed by and asked how I was. I felt lousy.

I bought a gym pass the next day.

I started with weigh lifting and inspired Johan to buy a gym pass as well. 

It's very uncomfortable to show you a selfie I dislike. My training clothes fits like a sausage casing, and I look swollen.

He also joined Weight watchers, wich we had done before, but failed. I resisted.

I got a smart watch, a Samsung 3s from Johan as a birthday gift

Can you read the number at the clock on the bottom middle. 79 beats per minute, that is the lowest heart rate I tracked. It was more often over 80 beats and that is a big sign of lack of health.

As we had a long snowy winter, I went cross country skiing a couple of times per week. We have amazing tracks in the neighbourhood..well forest. 

This is me, finally reached the top of the mountain with a fantastic view. I'm tired and have a full moon face. I snore heavily at night for obvious reasons.

When Johan started to loose weight, I joined Weight Watchers programme. It worked excellent this time. I beleive there are more than one reason it works. 

First of all, our mindset is set for change and determination to end this, we are encouraging to each other.

Second, I put in an IUS, to end my Niagara fall menstruations, migraine, mood swings and the feeling of being ill once in a month. This was a huge positive change for my physical and mental health.

Third, the new Weight Watchers system really works. I loose weight without much effort or being too hungry. I learn to combine foods so they don't add on my weight.

The result is that I lost 12 kg and have changed clothing size. I shop my closet, find old clothes that fits again. Maybe I'll post a new selfie later.

I can really recommend the new Weight Watcher system. Yes, it is expensive, but the money i once put on restaurants I can now save in the long run.

I had to write about my trip to Edinburgh in arrears, because I really wanted to tell you about it. I also wanted to write about something nice.

Right now, we are planning another great adventure, that I will write about later.

Winter came...and the cold

We finally got what I call a proper winter, with snow. Guess who's been doing the happy dance?

But...It's the temperature stays lower than -20 degrees, down to -28 at night (-4-(-18) Fahrenheit)

So, all our plans with cross country skiing, skating, downhill skiing are put on hold. It's too damn cold outside.

The air is very dry-frozen right now and skin and throat are very dry (indoors as well). 

This day is magical. If I look up in the sky the air is full of glittering frost particles. If you enlarge the photo below you can see some white dots

 I feel sorry for the animals outdoors but they manage to survive somehow. 

Bat fit update:

Me and a couple of friends have joined a 30 days squats and plank challenge. On the 30th day I will achieve to do the plank for 5 minutes and 250 squats. My goal is to continue with a burpee challenge and then set up a daily scedule for excersize. One goal I had on hold for too long now is to start running again. I really have to set that goal soon, before it's too late.

Throwing out old garbage and looking forward to a fresh start

For me Bat Fit has been a lot about mind cleansing recent years. Until las autumn, I was surrounded by toxic people at a toxic job and it left me feeling completely useless. A couple of years ago, I was deeply depressed, suicidal, but during my journey back to life, a couple 

of descisions were taken:

1. Get healthy enough to get another job. If you feel useless and depressed, I can assure you that it is impossible to get hired elsewere.

2. If you don't find a proper job. Think of doing something completely different. So I started school agin at the same time I had my pissy full time job, but it worked great. Eventhough I should be more stressed, I was actually happier and felt that Im not that stupid useless crap my bosses made me think.

3. Get another profession. My goal was to become a highschool teacher in chemistry and I sended out my CV's to a couple of local schools and heard nothing fo 8 months. Last year a principal called and wanted to book an interview. I got a new job.

4. Finish my exam and do a excellent job. This is were I am right now and can admit that I haven't been a good student but a great teacher working too much. I have a couple of essays to write this week before next semester.

5. Loose weight by excersise. My dream is that I will be able to run again. But a broken knee and overweight prevents that now.

6. Eat healthier. I know what works for me and that is low carb with lots of vegetables.

These two last things are difficult as I work most of my time awake. I have to make room for exercise and to make healthy lunch boxes and stop eating in front of the tv. 

All the working, studying and bad eating have given me a stress belly. I have always been an hourglass, but now Im an barrel shaped figure. That is very dangerous because heart failures runs in my family.

During my holiday off work, I've been taken daily walks and a bit of weight lifting.

My face has become really puffy lately.

Thank godness for beautiful surroundings!

My breakfast this morning was a green smoothie. A habit I must start again, slowly. If you don't start slowly you will end up with bad headache.

If you haven't heard about Bat Fit yet, hop over to Frannys blog to read more, and join the amazing facebook group.

I usually hate shopping in town. But as I got money to spend for Christmas I made an exception. A big wool sweater, a pair of earrings, an expensive but very good deodorant and a book. 

For you Swedish speaking readers, I can really recommend Mörkersdottir förlag. The owner writes horror and supernatural fiction and herself and releasing books of other writers, like the one above. 

Sekten på Dimön (The sect on Fog Island) is based on the writers experiences of the Scientiology church were she were living and working for the inner circle. I'll post a review of it once its read.

Bat fit: Kick off for 2015

Ouch! I'm heavier than ever... haven't I written this before? Yes, I have. Reasons for this are: I eat too much sugar, too large portions of food and sit most of my time. So, it would be reasonable if I lost weight if I changed those things, right?

Last years motto for Frannys Bat fit 2014 was Cleansing and a cleansing year it was. I cleansed my life from a toxic job, a job that bored the hell out of me. The problem with too many workplaces are that the hierarcic structure is not for the companys best but for the bosses in charge. As an employee you are not supposed to say your opinion or try to change things for the better. If you have ideas, keep them for yourself. And for god sake, it's better do do nothing at all than to do something wrong. It may sound harsh and I may sound bitter but I have learned to never trust people again.

One of the best desicions I've made was to start my University studies again. I've got following questions so many times now: But how do you cope with work and studies at the same time? You can get sick again. Well the best cure from my now gone depression is the studies. I once again got cleared that I'm NOT stupid and I'm capable of doing hard work when it's motivated.

My goals for Bat Fit 2015 are following
1. Skip sugar, eat smaller portions and eat more healthy home made food. I will also stop eating sandwiches for breakfast and have a green smoothie instead.

2. Start almost every morning with yoga. I have already started and it feels great eventhough I look more like an elephant on the circus. I will also have a goal that I will take a walk from work (12 km). I will go to the local pool and swim 1 km as I did before, almost once a week.

3. I will do a good proffessional job as a teacher and be the kind and cheerful one as I started. I'm actually very impressed by myself and my great patience :-)

4. I will keep on with my studies with second University degree.

I need to cheer up!!

Sheez, I have clearly been absent in almost a month here. I have been busy with my studies and family issues. Im not in a very good mood right now. I miss my eldest son who refuse to come home and he refuses to even say hello. Im very sad about this. I have ransacked myself about the reasons but I can’t find anything specific.

When I saw the 100happydays challenge on facebook, I joined, because I really need to see the good things every day brings. In this way, I will be able to stand strong and keep going, taking care of everything else. Take a look at my Instagram for more happy days. This is also a great challenge for you bat fit girls. I definitely believe that to be able to break bad habits you need to feel good (or better) inside, to have the strength to do the changes you need.

Summer  has arrived and my garden need lots of tlc. My lazy spot has to wait.

 Other fun things I’ve been doing is visiting my parents to greet my dad on his birthday. Their Chinese crested dog is busy watching over the hens, while the evil rooster is locked up in the hen house. He takes his job very serious.

We have been on a real redneck event. First release of cows after winter. It was fun to see those clumsy bodies frolic around in the green grass. They will now have a long lovely summer on the fields. The animal protection laws are perhaps the most strict in the world. The winter stable is therefore clean, huuge windows, fresh smelling and the cows are not tied up in the stable.

We bought a new grill. It was labelled Goth so this was an easy choice, it also works excellent J

Last but not least: I have finished my studies for the season, that means lots of sparetime to enjoy time outdoors.

Just some random stuff from a bit boring life

Hi all! I have been very abscent here because of a busy life. Not sure if it's interesting for you what I have been occupied with for a while, but here we go. ..

snowy appletree

I have visited the University a few days to attend seminars and seeing my fellow students. We were divided in studygroups. Our group is made of a bunch of well educated ladies, two disputated chemical scientists, one artist and a bachelor of art science and (noob) me. We also had a lovely song coach but she decided to study full time and therefore, joined another group. 

I have to say that it's more inspiring and a bigger challenge to study with high educated people.

Next seminar will be in March so hopefully there will be a few photos of the lovely town Karlstad, were the University is.

 lovely walk in the forest

We tried to take care of a large poodle for a friend, but Johans allergy wen't so bad. We are both so sad that we cant have any furry animals indoors, cat or dog. Johans mum took care of Scooby the rest of the week and we helped her to walk the dog. He's back at the owner right now but he needs a more permanent home, He's such a cute, kind, teddybear, smelly dog and I hope he will get a place were people are kind to him.

Yay, photo of one of my jobs at work. I have been shoveling away snow around the roof windows because some of them were leaking. Thats one of the more handy parts of my duties. At least the view is nice.

Unable to throw something away, I have been collecting feathers from the budgies in a jar. Maybe someday there will be nice little fascinators or earrings created...

 We got a fox on the visit. Our bunnies are outdoors all the time, they have two floor cages with free ability to go out in their pen. This visit force us to close the cages at night and that makes them very sour. Late night and early mornings are a bunnies busy time. One of the good things with snow is that we can actually see who is visiting our garden: one mouse that steals food from the bunnies, rabbits that eats the kale stems in my garden, joined by some deers, the fox obviouosly, a couple of cats, magpies...

The later half of last year wasn't very good healthywise. Studies and lot of sitting both at work and at home made me gain a couple of even extra kilos. I downloaded the Lifesum app to my phone (former Shapeup) and started to track my eating habits, again. This app is great, you eat what you want as long as you keep track of your calories, weight and training. It has a bar code scanner so the tracking is very easy. 
Here's a breakfast smoothie made of some blueberries (picked in the forest) and raspberry puree (nonsugar from my garden), a half organic banana and a bunch of spinach babyleaves, it tasted great but I had to check my teeth afterwards.

Inspired by the Curious Professor Z and Save with Jamie; we have been shopping grocerys in our own fridge and freezer to save money and being more environmental efficient. As a vegetable gardener ther is no lack of vegetables in our dishes, we just shop in the freezer. We are eating more vegetarian dishes as well. It's really fun to cook vegetarian when Johan likes it, his favourite is my vegetarian burgers made of my homegrown beans and peas, check my other blog for recipe.

Bat fit post: About Deep breathing

What many doesn’t know is that lots of us walk around with high shoulders and narrow breathing. This is caused by inner stress.

  You can be stressed even if you move slowly and are resting, why? It’s all about what happens in your mind. Even if you look like a lazy log, your mind is busy with sorting tasks, thoughts that comes and goes, annoying people, a work you’re not satisfied with etc. All those tasks, sorting and negative loops, causing a stress symptom with higher levels of stress hormones in your body and you are ready to flee even if you won’t.

This is an automatic unconscious reflex that your body does, and is crucial when you actually need it. 

  But you don’t need to flee, there is no were to flee and you are captured in your own mind. And when you’re not running, you don’t use your adrenaline for what it should be used for. This can cause symptoms as migraine, pain in the neck, lack of oxygen in your blood and in the long run; heart diseases, depression etc.

Good for: By deep breathing you will lower your levels stress hormones like cortisol, adrenaline and noradrenalin. You will increase your metabolism and if you exercise, receive better results.

  By breathing in an optimal way you’ll get more oxygen in your muscles and cells, your immune system will be stronger, your blood circulation will be faster. You will also give your inner organs a good massage and release blocked emotions. While exhaling you will empty your alveolus of toxins and excess carbon dioxide.

  This is practiced by some philosophical and religious movements, like meditation, yoga, mindfulness. By being aware of how you breathe, you will also be conscious about your emotions.

How to: Always breathe through your nose. The mucous in your nose will filter and warm up the air and you will be more resistant to diseases.

  Lie down or sit comfortly. Try to relax for a moment. Then during one minute, count the breaths you take. How many were they? You should breathe 10-15 times during one minute while completely relaxed. If you did, excellent. If you didn’t, follow these instructions:   

  Close your mouth and put the tip of your tongue in your upper gum behind your front teeth. Inhale through your nose. While inhaling (with your mouth closed) try to make the sound o (without actually making it) it gives a calm hissing sound, by that, you’ll press the air up to the sinuses, you can feel that the air is cold. Put your hand on your belly, it should lower while exhaling and rise while inhaling. Put the other hand on the chest, the chest should rise after the belly, otherwise, your breathing isn’t deep enough. Try to hold your breath a little moment before exhaling. While exhaling try to make the sound m, this relaxes your chest, try to empty your lungs as much as possible by press lightly with your diaphragm. 

 This method (with the hissing sound) is called Ujjayi-breathing and is practiced in yoga. Of course you don’t have to make those sounds with people around unless you will be viewed as weird. Repeat 4 times.

source

 How often:  Try to focus on your breathing in different situations. Take a moment a few times a day.

 If you are really stressed and it doesn’t help you for the moment, this is a signal that you are stressed in an unhealthy way and should try to get rid of the reasons for it.

Some of the information comes from following links. They are in Swedish though except the wikipedia site. You can also watch the corny instructional video on youtube below, it’s in English.

http://www.halsosidorna.se/Andningsovningar.htm

http://wellness-wisdom-wealth.se/halsa/andningen/djupandning/

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MwlCk9XTz_U#t=214

http://www.morotsliv.com/2012/12/djupandning_12.html

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Diaphragmatic_breathing

 Good Luck!

Leaving the old year and looking forward to a new

I didn't make any resolutions for 2013 except trying to think of myself a bit more. I scrolled my own blog backwards to see recall what happened. 

A look back on my eating habits

It started with my recovery from a depression and I really lived quite healthy, eating lots of raw food. In the autumn I cut down on the portions and it made me feel better. But I also eat too much sweets and snacks.

A look back on my exercise

The year began with yoga classes and taking walks, but as the year went by and after a knee injury my exercise became nothing.

A look back on my mental health

Last year hasn't been good considering this. I haven't written about it much but things at work has been awful, really awful. I got a replacement wich is good as I got a new boss, bad because the work is not what I wanted, are skilled for or like to do, enough of that. 

I have to do something about my pms, those pms days are like hell, everything is black and everyone including myself is hating me. 

The good things are that we have been doing nice things like going to the theater, concerts, vacation with the kids etc and most of all my studies. My studies are the reasons that I'm standing tall, that tells me that I'm not useless after all. 

Oh and I had my 40's birthday when I got some nice gifts!

A necklace and earrings from my brother and his spouse

A book that Johan had assembled with letters from family and friends. Thank you dear! This made me weep, sob and snore. I got it a day when I had a rough day at work.

A wall decor from my sister.

I also got a vacation in Tällberg and lots of money for a trip.

So the summary is that the year was better than the one before it, my mental health is better but my physical is not good. I will make my resolutions this year and I'll have to stick to them for my own sake.

My goals for 2014

Visiting the doctor: Checking my heart as all my relatives has heart issues and getting medication for my pms.

Exercise: As my knee is way beyond repair I'll have to take it neat. Swimming and trying the crosstrainer. If we get any snow, I will go cross country skiing.

Eating: I will cut down on my portions and stop eating candy. 

Taking care of my relationship

Planning a visit to Scotland. Hey do you have any tips of things to see and places to go???

Gardening: I will continue with my garden projects and growing vegetables. 

I will coninue studying for a new exam.

The most important is that I have to be more playful, kind and think of how I behave. I have been too serious on this blog too.

Happy New Bat Fit Year 2014!!!