söndag 27 januari 2019

I'm not here to please. Part 1

This is a both private and personal post, so if you don't want to read this kind of text, you are warned.

Almost my whole adulthood, I've been searching for my true self. I have also been battling with myself and always had the goal to improve and be a better person. My vision is, always be kind, honest, polite and show affection to the ones you love and care for.
Before I started this quest, to be a better person, I didn't care about who I was or how people might see me. I stepped on many toes, sprinkling snarky comments, too honest when it was unnecessary. I believe the change started when I got my first child. To become a parent was a spiritual experience and I thought a lot about the meaning of life.

Let's jump forward a bit. After my divorce and moving together with my current spouse, I got a severe depression. I really wanted to kill myself and had a plan how to end it. I believe that the reason was how people around me constantly told me how wrong I was. Exhusband, boyfriend, boss, coworkers, almost everyone around me had opinions about how I lived, what a lousy mother I was, my economical priorities, what I did or not did at work, anything and everything. Moving two different families together also caused a lot of cultural divergencies. My kids was unruly and spoilt, while I had raised them as free thinkers. It ended with a meltdown and a wish to end it all, because I wasn't worthy and hated myself so much.

I know it sounds horrible to be a loving parent and yet want to leave them forever. My self loathing was so deep that it said to me that they would do much better without me. Yet the thought of leaving them behind was at the same time not really an alternative.
I'm usually very strong minded and have lots of integrity, but anyone can get depressed surrounded by asshats. Fortunately my boyfriend forced me to seek help.

My rescuing angel was my therapist. She really was the person on the right position. She gave me tools on how to recognize angst, and how to deal with it right away. Medication also helped, it muffled the sound of the world screaming at me, or was I screaming on the inside? Whatever.

I still have moments of selfharming when I'm in situations I can't control and emotions run over me, but these moments are rare.

If you are depressed seek help, or call out for help to someone you trust. If you know someone who is depressed, please tell that person that he/she is important and useful and do not say anything that is negative towards this person or behave agressive around this person, no matter what he/she says.

The time it takes for a person to overcome a depression is long and uncertain. I still have problems with emotional stress, the caching memory is not very good and sometimes speak the words in wrong order or say the complete opposite of what I was ment to say. Imagine that in a classroom. LOL.
I have caught myself during these last 6 years of recovery, thinking that "Ah, now I'm free from depression, at last" and a year after...thinking the same again. Recovery is an extremely slow process, like ant steps. It is important to move forward though and not get stuck in bitterness or bad relations. A new career is also a good decision, eventhough it takes energy from healing.

Take care of yourselves, werever and whenever you are <3 p="">

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