Resume 2019

This is a very late update from me. Blogland is shrinking and both me and others are not busy here anymore.  Times goes faster and the fact that there is no working app for blogger really sucks!!! The alternative is Instagram, but I have never been personal at that place and will not post anything but snippets and photos there.

So what the heck has happened since my last depressed post? Well first lets explain how I work. I break down, weep, complain, get my shit together and rise like Phoenix rebirthed.

I'm lucky to be able to live in my own house and only have a tiny walk to nearest place for a cooling dip.

I'm lucky to have friends that lend you their mountain lodge for a fancy weekend in the Swedish mountains.

I've been gardening and picking berries in the forest.

I've been visiting friends. Been on concerts, parties, walks, dinners etc with friends.

I've been renovating my house and the photo below shows my sons new bedroom

I've been taking the bicycle everywhere I go, to get fit and to reduce the carbondioxide print.

And I've been running regularly.

I had a Halloween party with many friends

and I have visited exhibitions and other cultural events.

The conclusion is that friends have been very important this year. They helped me heal and to appreciate myself. They helped me see what I was responible of and what only was reactions of another persons bad behaviour. 

I'm not a bad person, like someone tried to convince me. On the contrary, I'm the opposite of a bad person. I'm a fun, kind, loving person and a loyal friend. 

^¨^

~

Life is no bed of roses

it is made with broken glass

My heart is completely broken, but it surprise me anyway by racing amok every night.
I've been so blind trying to hold everything together that I didn't see what I now beginning to understand. With solitude and distance, I begin to understand why my confidence is on the bottom of a well, why I feel completely useless, never good enough and why I felt socially awkward and unwelcome. I feel like a total looser.

The future is like a black hole, it sucks all the light and energy, and I don't know whats around the bend. It is hard to make plans, because I'm worried if I will manage the economy and the house on my own. I have no idea what life will look like in a couple of years. 

One thing is for sure. I will never ever give away my heart so completely again. Well it is lost anyway and broken.

I do hope I will find my mojo soon. By that, I mean my creativity and imagination. The science departement at our university is renovating and was going to throw these old boxes that contained microscopic samples. I asked nicely and could take them home. 

I also found the microscopic slides in the waste bin. I didn't ask and I took lots of them as well. Some of them are 100 years old and marked with tiny labels and capillacious handwriting. How about a liver sample from cat?

One of the professors was obviously very fond of smoking because the biology samples were collected in match boxes and cigar boxes.

So in waiting of mojo and time, I hope to create something mixed media/steampunk with this if the future will allow me.

Self sustainable

I am no one's

and no one is mine

I owe no one

and no one owes me

First, thank you for your kind words. I will emphasize that we are still good friends. I got all the clears from the bank and are waiting for all the papers to arrive.

Johan got an apartment to rent on this side of town, amazingly quick and thanks to aquaintances. He will be gone in a month.

I'm worried about the economy and if I will be able to manage all the loans and bills that comes with a house. There are so many things to consider, tv, internet, insurances etc. If my health would fail me it would be devastating. So in order to keep myself floating I really have to turn every stone/penny before I buy new stuff and save as much as I can for harder times...There's a roof to change in the future as well.

The plans to save money would look ridicilous in the eyes of many, but all the tiniest pebbles will build a mountain in the long run. I do this also for my son, he's a teenager and won't be too bothered by my scrimping.

I cannot say enough how pleased I am with my bokashi compost. It is amazing. This method will give me free planting soil. On sunday I filled a wheelbarrow with dark nutricious soil. It took only 6 week to compost. You don't need worms and you don't get any problems with flies, rodents or foul smell, perfect!

I topped a leaf and bokashi compost with the soil and sowed spinach.  

Topped the seeds with a thin layer of more soil and the watered with loads of snow.

The lid will give a warmer climate. Does it looks weird? Well the seeds will grow when they think it's time and they will sprout earlier. 

I wen't completely bananas with the chili seeds. I have chilis in every window now. Maybe I will cook my own chilisauce for next winter. 

So, you can see I'm planning to make it work, by continue to grow my own vegetables and expand my vegetable garden even more. I'm only worried about my health though, I have Mr Depression tapping on my shoulder and have to keep him at bay, I have to, I must do this.

I have never felt that I can rely on another human, so this will actually be no difference, only a bit more lonely.

Pamper yourself

I've been working for a couple of days. It is a huge transition from living in an almost solitude and low pace to a mass of chatting people and lots of impressions and new things that this year will bring. We also have a music festival in town, Sabaton open air and we always buy tickets for the whole weekend. It can become too much noise at the same time.

One thing I haven't told you, is that I live with recurring angst, ever since my depression. Angst is (for me anyway) thoughts of feeling useless, not good enough and a freak. I have a history of beeing the black sheep of the family, an odd bird and so it still goes on. We were suppost to go to a fancy pre party today and then further on to the festival, with a bunch of happy people. But angst and other private circumstances made me choose to stay at home alone. At the same time I did not want this, I really need the silence and solitude. At the same time I would love to have my spouse at home with me, but he is extremely extroverted and is happiest among other people and I want him to be happy.

Shit happens and sometimes I need to put myself first, if I ever will become sane.

So silence and solitude is the way for me to pamper myself.

Another is at least trying to take care of my appearance.

I visited an old coworker in july. We went to the city were she lives and had some coffee and icecream (fika). She and her daughter forced me in an nail saloon. This was my first visit and I choosed only an acrylic nail strenghtening.

The blue nails are mine. I'm very pleased with the result and a month later, my nails are long and strong. I've been building the last weeks of my vacation and my nails are still perfect.

So how do you keep your nails? Do you have natural, gel or acrylic nails and what do you think about it?

Have a lovely saturday <3 p="">

Trip to Edinburgh day two

Ghosts and Harry Potter of Edinburgh - Friday March 3:rd 2017
Note the year. This was last years trip.
We wake up to a new bright shining day in Edinburgh. Our hotel room has a view over the backyard, it's actually nice. I'm fascinated over the draining and sewer pipes on the outside of the houses, this would never work were I live, with the freezing temperatures.
We eat a lovely breakfast at the hotel restaurant. I'm used with self service and not a waitress running for my eggs and soldiers (funny name)

Before noon, we walked towards the old town. North Bridge goes on top of the Waverly Rail station and gives you a nice view over the city.

Top photo: View over the old town. The pointy thing is the Hub, a cathedral turned to a exhibition/festival/tourist center- ish

Middle photo: View over Princes street. From the left: Scotts monument, fancy stores, St Andrews square and the Balmoral

Bottom photo: Calton hill. The obelis is the Political marture monument

The Waverly station is built on top of a lake were people once got their water, were they washed their clothes, they had witch trials (the floating test) and were all the dirt from the streets (including excrements) washed out. 

The architecture is very gothic. Most of the houses are actually from the 19-th century and newer, but the style gives you a feeling of even older times. The Royal Mile is the wide street running through the old town, from the castle to Holyrood palace. From the main street, small windy alleys are stretched between the houses. The names are often ended with wynd or close.

Brodies Close remind me a lot of Knockturnal alley. It is dark, from a ventilation hole misty fumes blows. When we passed later at night, the alley was completely black and creepy.

As the Royal Mile is placed on a hill, allmost all the closes have stairs. You can climb up to 100 meters, so even if the close looks short on the map, it is actually twice as long and steep. So I wouldn't recommend this town for people with mobility problems. I also highly recommend you to put on decent shoes. I regret my choice of shoes. Here I stand in Advocates close, catching breath. 

A small backyard at Lady Stairs close, were you can find Writers museum.

We didn't visit the Castle, we went there only to look at the view.

The tower on the bottom photo shows George Heriots School. A school for well suited children. It is said that the school was an inspiration for J.K Rowlings Hogwarts. We walked past later and looked through the fence and saw young people dressed in military uniforms (combat-style) doing some excersises and marching.

Victoria street is said to be the inspiration for Diagon alley. A vareity of different and colourful shops in rows along the street. The Context sells different kinds of knick knacks and Harry Potter stuff. A liqeur store were you can buy spirits on the tap and a toy and joke store wich reminds a lot of Zonkos or Weasleys Wizard Weezes. There were also an antique store that was said to be the origin of Borgin and Burkes, but the store behind dusty windows were closed for the moment.

Victoria street, ends in Grass market were you can find pubs in rows, one reminded me of the Leaky Cauldron.

While we were at the right side of town doing search for Harry Potter, we had to visit Greyfriars church yard. The oldest graves are as old as the 16th century. It is beautiful and peaceful (by day) with ornate head stones and mausoelums. But lack of space made the care takers move the stones, so you can't be sure were the people rests. There were also a few mortsafes left. Mortsafes are cages in cast iron that were placed over newly buried, that needed protection from bodysnatchers or Ressurectionists as they called themselves. We also found Tom Riddles tombstone and a McGonagall. The Greyfriars is supposed to be very haunted.

As I said, Edinburgh is very hilly and the town is built in layers. Bridges were built for easier transportation and lower levels of these bridges became habitats for the "lower" citizens.

At George IV bridge we foud The Elephant House, were some of the Harry Potter books were written. We had som afternoon tea. I can't recommend you that place, because it was crammed with lousy but expensive food, flies and grubby. Take the door to the left instead.

Tired of all the walking, we took a pint of beer in a moldy pub at the same block. We waited a couple of hours for our ghost tour to begin.

With a coffe in our hands (with a misspelled Scottish interpretation of my name),  we catched up with our tour guide by Trons Kirk. There are a few ghost tours, we chosed the Edinburgh underground Ghost Tour. It wasn't under ground very much, only a visit in one of the vaults under South bridge. As I said, the Vaults were used by the poor as apartments and for shady buisnesses like smuggling, robbery and brothels. The Vaults were hidden and forgotten until they were found again in the 80-s. The tales says that the mass murderers Burkes and Hare had their hideouts here (recognize a name here?).

The tour passed through Greyfriars and Greyfriars Bobby, the only pet buried within the walls of the grave yard. 

Back on track and looking back on last years trip

Hey hey!! More than a year ago, since I posted something here.
There have been lots and lots of things going on, a lot of travelling and fun, some bad things, but mostly work. When you finally find a job you like, it can absorb you completely and you become your profession completely. I never had a job that I enjoyd so much as being a teacher. I love working with teenagers. Well enough said about that.

In my last post I told you about a trip that we were going to do. I wrote a travel diary during the trip and I thougt I would post it here as well. I hope that I can give you some travelling inspiration.

Trip to Edinburgh Wednesday March 1st 2017
We started our journey with a train ride to Arlanda, the airport outside Stockholm. We had booked a room at one of the fancy hotels at the airport. Hotel Clarion was modern and very fresh. It was creepy-modern, you know, with glossy surfaces, sharp edges, artsy fartsy wannabe, stiff smiling staff and perfumed air in the lobby. I think places like that are creepy anyway, not welcoming at all.

Thursday March 2nd 2017
Godness gracious how nervous I was to board the plane. My last rides with aircrafts wasn't pleasant at all. It wasn't helping that the toilets at the gate, reeked with vomits and bad stomachs. Once up in the air, the calm laid my worries to rest. Before landing, the plane took a huge turn over the Highlands and the stewardess sang the farewell waltz to us, thus the landing ended with applauses, just like a charter tour in the old times.

My thoughts when we flew over Scotland is that it's not many trees. The Highlands seems to be mountains and dry grass. The rest of Scotland is buildings and farm land. Hardly any forests to be seen. I guess I'm a spoilt Swede when it comes to forests and wildlife.

Our hotel was fancier than I imagined. We were greeted by a door man with whom we had our first real chat in english. It was extremely hard to understand what he said. It sounded like "Dumble goobly wobly mumble". We nodded and said yes, no, thank you, hopefully at the right places and after a while understood that our room wasn't available yet so he put away our luggage in a locked room and gave us the tip to have lunch in the hotel restaurant. We refused politely and said that we would take a stroll around town to have a look. We had the same ideas about hotel restaurants, they are usually not very high quality.

We took a walk around the neighbourhood but didn't find anyplace to eat except a restaurant nearby the hotel. We took a burger and a bear at the pub section. It was pleasant and very good food. When receiving the reciept, we discovered that we had gone to the hotel restaurant anyway. Apparently the hotel owned the café, the pub, and the restaurant in the connecting building. It was hard to hear what the pub staff said, like the door man, felt stupid to think that we thought that we actually speak almost fluid. But actually, most people in Edinburgh speak understandable english even the native ones. Edinburgh is a city with lots of people from other countries.

The direction of the evening stroll was Calton Hill. This town is brim filled with monuments, statues, plaquettes over God knows who and what. Lots of important blokes and saints and architects (because he designed a building, lets make him a monument!!).

 The Scott monument is very impressive in Victorian Gothic style (swoon). I first thought, oh a monument for the Scottish people..or maybe a king. But it was the writher sir Walter Scott that was acclaimed with this fancy landmark. The view over the old town (auld reekie) is wonderful.

Me and Johan at the bottom of The Scott monument.

We passed a faboulous building at the walk. The Balmoral hotel. I wish we had the time to have afternoon tea at our trip, but we didn't.

We stumbled on a graveyard walking towards Calton Hill and we needed to take a closer look at it.

Old Calton burial was established 1718 and were in use until the late 19th century. Many famous and eminent people are buried here. Of course, beside the mausoleums, there are monuments here over philosofers, brave soldiers and martyrs. 

Behind a thick wall is a fancy building called the Governor House. It belonged to the prison that once laid here, upon a cliff, for all the citicens to view and fear.

Calton Hill is a recommendation, if you like to take walks and look at the view.

The top view is a photo of the more modern part of the town with the harbour. The bottom photo is a view over Holyrood park and palace.
Calton Hill has never been a place with buildings but a place for walks and recreation. The filosofer David Hume founded a training track here, first in the world, they say. Claiming excersize as healthy.
The photo below shows two war monument, over the war against Napoleon. Do you know another town with more monument than this one?

The Greece inspired monument above, yeah yeah, another one. Is built for the Scottish philosofer Dugal Stewart, who also were a professor at the university.
Below to the left: The bottom of the Nelson monument in beautiful neogothic style, I wonder if someone lives there or if it is a workplace, nice place anyway.
Below to the right: We could see the people sitting in meetings at great tables in the Schottish Government, we imagined them having meeting about exiting Great Brittain. We were probably right.

  The dusk is setting and it's time to leave. I later read that it was a gay park and that people had been harrassed after dark. By the leaving light, the mist arrives and it gets suddenly freezing cold.