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Life is no bed of roses

it is made with broken glass

My heart is completely broken, but it surprise me anyway by racing amok every night.
I've been so blind trying to hold everything together that I didn't see what I now beginning to understand. With solitude and distance, I begin to understand why my confidence is on the bottom of a well, why I feel completely useless, never good enough and why I felt socially awkward and unwelcome. I feel like a total looser.

The future is like a black hole, it sucks all the light and energy, and I don't know whats around the bend. It is hard to make plans, because I'm worried if I will manage the economy and the house on my own. I have no idea what life will look like in a couple of years. 

One thing is for sure. I will never ever give away my heart so completely again. Well it is lost anyway and broken.

I do hope I will find my mojo soon. By that, I mean my creativity and imagination. The science departement at our university is renovating and was going to throw these old boxes that contained microscopic samples. I asked nicely and could take them home. 

I also found the microscopic slides in the waste bin. I didn't ask and I took lots of them as well. Some of them are 100 years old and marked with tiny labels and capillacious handwriting. How about a liver sample from cat?

One of the professors was obviously very fond of smoking because the biology samples were collected in match boxes and cigar boxes.

So in waiting of mojo and time, I hope to create something mixed media/steampunk with this if the future will allow me.

Self sustainable

I am no one's

and no one is mine

I owe no one

and no one owes me

First, thank you for your kind words. I will emphasize that we are still good friends. I got all the clears from the bank and are waiting for all the papers to arrive.

Johan got an apartment to rent on this side of town, amazingly quick and thanks to aquaintances. He will be gone in a month.

I'm worried about the economy and if I will be able to manage all the loans and bills that comes with a house. There are so many things to consider, tv, internet, insurances etc. If my health would fail me it would be devastating. So in order to keep myself floating I really have to turn every stone/penny before I buy new stuff and save as much as I can for harder times...There's a roof to change in the future as well.

The plans to save money would look ridicilous in the eyes of many, but all the tiniest pebbles will build a mountain in the long run. I do this also for my son, he's a teenager and won't be too bothered by my scrimping.

I cannot say enough how pleased I am with my bokashi compost. It is amazing. This method will give me free planting soil. On sunday I filled a wheelbarrow with dark nutricious soil. It took only 6 week to compost. You don't need worms and you don't get any problems with flies, rodents or foul smell, perfect!

I topped a leaf and bokashi compost with the soil and sowed spinach.  

Topped the seeds with a thin layer of more soil and the watered with loads of snow.

The lid will give a warmer climate. Does it looks weird? Well the seeds will grow when they think it's time and they will sprout earlier. 

I wen't completely bananas with the chili seeds. I have chilis in every window now. Maybe I will cook my own chilisauce for next winter. 

So, you can see I'm planning to make it work, by continue to grow my own vegetables and expand my vegetable garden even more. I'm only worried about my health though, I have Mr Depression tapping on my shoulder and have to keep him at bay, I have to, I must do this.

I have never felt that I can rely on another human, so this will actually be no difference, only a bit more lonely.

It´s gonna be a bumpy ride!

There will be no part 2 as supposed. I'm devastated! Johan doesn't want to live with me anymore. He didn't say it. I just realized that he don't want me around and confronted him about it. He said nothing but he didn't denied it either.
Maybe it's best for us both but right now, I'm very hurt and heart broken. I don't want to split. I wanted us to be a family, we and the kids.
I can't say much more without being to private

I'm not an easy person to live with but neither is he. I'm hyper active and hurtfully honest. I can't keep my mouth shut if there is something I think is wrong. I can be too much of everything.

Sorry...but I'm exhausted, haven't slept much.

But I got some good news from the bank today. I can take over the loans and continue to live in the house. It will be just me and my youngest. Money will be scarce but I think I can manage it. I can grow my veggies and finish my chicken coop. My oldest son is a carpenter so he can help me with the heaviest things.

The most important thing is that we separate as good friends

I'm not here to please. Part 1

This is a both private and personal post, so if you don't want to read this kind of text, you are warned.

Almost my whole adulthood, I've been searching for my true self. I have also been battling with myself and always had the goal to improve and be a better person. My vision is, always be kind, honest, polite and show affection to the ones you love and care for.
Before I started this quest, to be a better person, I didn't care about who I was or how people might see me. I stepped on many toes, sprinkling snarky comments, too honest when it was unnecessary. I believe the change started when I got my first child. To become a parent was a spiritual experience and I thought a lot about the meaning of life.

Let's jump forward a bit. After my divorce and moving together with my current spouse, I got a severe depression. I really wanted to kill myself and had a plan how to end it. I believe that the reason was how people around me constantly told me how wrong I was. Exhusband, boyfriend, boss, coworkers, almost everyone around me had opinions about how I lived, what a lousy mother I was, my economical priorities, what I did or not did at work, anything and everything. Moving two different families together also caused a lot of cultural divergencies. My kids was unruly and spoilt, while I had raised them as free thinkers. It ended with a meltdown and a wish to end it all, because I wasn't worthy and hated myself so much.

I know it sounds horrible to be a loving parent and yet want to leave them forever. My self loathing was so deep that it said to me that they would do much better without me. Yet the thought of leaving them behind was at the same time not really an alternative.
I'm usually very strong minded and have lots of integrity, but anyone can get depressed surrounded by asshats. Fortunately my boyfriend forced me to seek help.

My rescuing angel was my therapist. She really was the person on the right position. She gave me tools on how to recognize angst, and how to deal with it right away. Medication also helped, it muffled the sound of the world screaming at me, or was I screaming on the inside? Whatever.

I still have moments of selfharming when I'm in situations I can't control and emotions run over me, but these moments are rare.

If you are depressed seek help, or call out for help to someone you trust. If you know someone who is depressed, please tell that person that he/she is important and useful and do not say anything that is negative towards this person or behave agressive around this person, no matter what he/she says.

The time it takes for a person to overcome a depression is long and uncertain. I still have problems with emotional stress, the caching memory is not very good and sometimes speak the words in wrong order or say the complete opposite of what I was ment to say. Imagine that in a classroom. LOL.
I have caught myself during these last 6 years of recovery, thinking that "Ah, now I'm free from depression, at last" and a year after...thinking the same again. Recovery is an extremely slow process, like ant steps. It is important to move forward though and not get stuck in bitterness or bad relations. A new career is also a good decision, eventhough it takes energy from healing.

Take care of yourselves, werever and whenever you are <3 p="">

Welcome to my lady cave

I know that this is a problem of luxury. But a door to close, to shut out noises and demands for attention it is luxury. 

I had a studio/craft room in the basement for several years, it was impossible to work there because it was too cold in the winter and during the summer, I had other things do do outdoors.

My work space was my desk in the middle of the house, in the hallway. 

Noises from the kitchen, the tv and the sofa behind my back and the path to the stairway passing me. No escape from noises while building my lessons for my classes, grading papers and completing my own university studies. It was hard, but I made it, with some melt downs and throwing books. Never the less, I made it...patting ones shoulder.

During this years, my oldest moved out to live with his father, full time. Johan grabbed that room for his own. It was necessary because I didn't enjoy finding small copper wire clippings in the bedroom, among other things.

Johans oldest, started to live more and more with her mother and the last year, her room stood unused. We politely asked her, if she really needed her room or if I could use it. So I finally got an opportunity to get my own room for work.

I really liked the white and beige walls and only had to paint over some spots, for refreshing. I carefully planned how to furnish it with my consisting desks and tables. 

When I tried one desk, i realized that I have to repaint all the furnitures after all these years of use.

 I actually fitted 3 desks, 1 table, 1 book shelf , 3 drawers and an armchair in this little room.
The desk with the white chair, is my crafting station. The desk with the computor is my working desk. This desk is a lovely 40's piece in birch wood but had to paint it because the colour of the glaze had turned it piss-yellow. The door leads to an attic closet. The pink table is my sewing station.

In the other corner sits another desk, were I will have my jewellery and metal work station. The drawer holds lots of hoarded craft supplies and junk. Thanks to all the drawers, I can keep the room tidy and not too cluttered. I also have a comfortable 40's arm chair for myself or visitors. My sewing dummy is embellished with bat wings. I have a full size mirror because I have moved my entire wardrobe to the other attic closet.

The photo above shows my sewing station.

The closet is not big and the ceiling is low, but it is enough for me.

I can finally store all my clothes, jewellery and shoes in one place. This makes it so much easier to plan and pick new outfits.

If you know me well, you already know that I'm a collector of vintage stuff. I haven't been wearing or buying vintage for a long time, but I also haven't got rid of my old things. The photo above shows the boxes with safely packed vintage clothes, and the shelves with hats, handbags and other things. 

The black and white photo is from my youth, when  me and my friends wen't to rockabilly events.

The clothes has been monocrome black for too many years now. Before I turned black again (I dressed in black in my teenage years), I always dressed in vibrant colours, like a peacock. I never had any special style but liked to dress up and mix styles. I still like black clothes, but I have to promised myself to not dress in black just because it's comfortable.

I love this room. I spend a lot of time here and I can finally find the peace to work and get the progress and pace I need to hold.

I love that it reflects who I am and what I like to do.